Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
