when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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