I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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