I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
