I faked an abortion last night.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She has the best kind of daddy issues
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.