Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage