My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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