I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
