Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
