I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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