I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
