Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
