Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
