when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
