i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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