There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
