Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
