I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
