why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
