I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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