He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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