I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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