It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
