please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
