I want to walk on stilts...naked
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
