so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
