i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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