Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
