I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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