I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
