Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
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Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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