Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
