If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
