omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
