The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
