Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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