I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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