I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
