i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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