It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
