pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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