We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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