If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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