I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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