she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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