Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
