Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
