Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They have beer where we have blood.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
