How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
