That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
