You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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