yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
