I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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