Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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