I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
